From the desk of Turd Blossom
To: The Monkey Fuhrer
Re: 9 E-Z Steps to make this whole Katrina thing go away.
In light of recent events I've assembled a plan for handling the current crisis. It's based on our successful handling of previous crises. I've kept the list short so as not to cut in to nappy-time.
Step 1: Make a good show of being concerned, even if it's late and ineffectual. Keyword: Photo ops, photo ops, photo ops. Hugging survivors always plays well in the sticks. Be sure to have your shirtsleeves rolled up for some of the pictures - it really enhances that "getting down to business" look.
Step 2: When asked by the pesky liberal media, "how could this have happened on your watch?", insist repeatedly that "we don't have all the answers yet", and "now isn't the time to lay blame" - even if some of the answers are as plain as day. I'll make sure that Murdoch directs his people to sing exactly the same tune. This will buy you time.
Step 3: Ensure that O'Riely, Coulter and the other bottomfeeders are ready to discredit anyone whose critical statements about the administration or any of its agencies gain any traction in the media. They're great at this sort of thing - if they can cut a grieving war mom down to size, they can handle anything. By the way, I'm already working on digging up some dirt on the Mayor of New Orleans. If I find anything I'll be sure that someone accidentally "leaks" it to Drudge.
Step 4: Appoint your own hand-picked commission to determine "what happened" (I know, it sounds silly, doesn't it? We all know what happened, but if you pretend you don't know then we may be able to get people to go along with it). Appointing a commission always plays well in the sticks, and also buys you time. Remember, the longer you can put off any real officially-endorsed "conclusion" about what happened, the less people will remember and the more opportunity exists to spin it in a positive light.
Step 5: Use the existence of the commission as an excuse to tell the pesky liberal media that "we've appointed a blue-ribbon panel to get to the bottom of this", and be sure to reiterate that "we don't have all the answers yet" and "now is not the time to lay blame". Try to get another photo op or two in there if possible.
(Side note: Sorry for the big word. "Reiterate" means to say something again. You know, like "Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. The more times you say it, the more true it becomes.)
Step 6: While the commission is "hard at work", be sure to give some kind of official commendation to the head of any agency whose role in the tragedy is under scrutiny. Pining a medal on the dumbass that fucked things up in the first place is a great way to confuse the public. As a side benefit it makes the liberal media downright apoplectic.
(Side note: Sorry again for the big word. "Apoplectic" means really upset. Like how the Mayor of New Orleans was upset because thousands of his citizens were dying like rats while you were fundraising in San Diego, Condi was shopping at Ferragamo, and Cheney was vacationing in Wyoming.)
Step 7: Since the commission was appointed by you, they're more likely to properly obfuscate the issue, and conclude that "there were many failures", none of which actually point directly to you. Of course if they come to the conclusion that there -is- some blame to be had in the Administration, then all you need do is appoint a new commission to determine how best to apply their recommendations. That should tie up at least an extra year.
Step 8: With a favorable commission finding and some time having passed, the American People can be convinced that any blame they may have placed on the Administration or its agencies actually belongs to so many people and agencies, there's really no reason to blame anyone specifically. (Note to self: find way to blame Katrina on Saddam Hussein.) Anyway, at this point it's safe to make a public statement that you're taking the commission's recommendations to heart and that it's time to put this national tragedy behind us.
Step 9: Back to Business As Ususal. Maybe time for that vacation you've been putting off?
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld toured a medical facility at New Orleans' international airport on Sunday. He spoke and shook hands with military and rescue officials but walked right by a dozen refugees lying on stretchers just feet away from him, most of them extremely sick or handicapped."
In other news, Condi Rice went shopping at Farragamo in New York this last week. She had security forcibly remove a woman who recognized her and had the balls to ask Condi why she was shopping for shoes when there was a major US crisis in full swing.
And The Monkey Fuhrer, before doing fuck-all to help the citizens of New Orleans, went to San Diego for a high-buck political fundraiser.
The director of FEMA, a Monkey Fuhrer political appointment whose previous emergency management experience was running an Arabian Horse association (a job which he apparently couldn't handle), said his agency didn't know about the situation at the Superdome until Thursday. Yes, Thursday. (In case you were hiding in a bunker all week, images and very detailed descriptions of the conditions at the Superdome were available 24/7 on cable TV and the Internet since at least Tuesday).
Oh, and the Monkey Fuhrer said on national TV something along the lines of, "I don't think anyone ever foresaw the levees failing". This after his adminstration cut by around 90% the budget to improve those very same levees... because a bevy of engineers and other civil planners were concerned that they were hopelessly out of date and might fail.
Meanwhile, even hardcore administration apologists like Fox News have been asking, "Where the fuck was the national response to this emergency?"
Oh, and I've now seen three or four quotes from National Guardsmen who've said in essence, "shit, most of our guys are in Iraq."
Jesus Fucking Christ.
What does it take for people in this country to realize that the fuckwits in charge have a self-serving agenda that has basically NOTHING to do with the well-being and protection of the citizens of the country? It's not like Republicans corner the market on self-serving politicians. But for fuck's sake this is so far over the top, I have a hard time comprehending the magnitude of how fucked this country has become.
Just when I thought I'd gotten over being ashamed to be an American after the last election...
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